I hate taking risks. I hate adventure unless it’s on the pages of a book, or on a movie screen. I hate the idea of failure so much that I would rather do nothing than risk trying and failing. Even in school I never did anything that I didn’t know I would succeed at. I’ve been this way my whole life. Why? For most of my life I have been a spiritual orphan. I am child without a father. Don’t get me wrong. My mother was fabulous. However, even a fantastic mother doesn’t replace a father.
I hate the idea of failure so much that I would rather do nothing than risk trying and failing.
I have been on a journey for the last year. It’s been a journey of understanding the Father heart of God. Acknowledging my own emptiness in this area. Allowing God to fill it with Himself. For me, taking risk is directly connected to trust. If I cannot trust that His plans, His intentions towards me, His heart for me is good, I cannot willingly risk failure. If I do, no one will be there to catch me. That my friends, is an Orphan Spirit.
I’ve taken to saying, "I am not an orphan" to myself. Sometimes I say it quietly. Sometimes I scream it until I’m hoarse.
The Holy Spirit has been quietly and steadily dealing with me for several months. He’s been cracking open the secret places in my heart, and dealing with disappointment. He’s been helping me find my identity in my Father. Not just my Father, my Daddy. That is hard for me to say out loud. It’s not easy. Heart pain is never easy to face. I’ve taken to saying, "I am not an orphan" to myself. Sometimes I say it quietly. Sometimes I scream it until I’m hoarse. Ok, I did that once. It was so funny and helpful that I laughed and cried all at the same time. The point is that I am pushing back. I’m pushing back with force, and with truth. I am learning, I am growing, and out of that I am doing. I am learning that God, my Daddy is good, always and forever. I am growing in my ability and strength spiritually. Out of that I am choosing to be on a life adventure that involves risk, reward, and hopefully changing the world.
I AM NOT AN ORPHAN.